The New Year is almost upon us and I thought it was timely to have a quick look back at the year that was. On a personal level, 2012 was a year that cemented in the myriad of changes that occurred in my life the previous year.
I started the year in Singapore on holiday with my son. That was a huge step forward for me in terms of feeling confident about taking care of him on my own. He did run away from me more than a few times and I lived that week with the persistent fear of losing him for good, but what mattered was that I returned to New Zealand with him in tow. We had many wonderful adventures and I am proud to say I even overcame my fears and rode the Luge at Sentosa Island with him.
I continued to count my days not by whether it was a Monday or a Thursday when I would have normally worked, but by what it said on my Aspirin dispenser pack. Occasionally I would miss a dose and realise the next day that I had lost a day along with it; not that it mattered much in the grand scheme of things. Time was the one commodity I had in abundance and at the start of the year, all I wanted to do was revel in the luxury of it all. I felt a strong reluctance to make any sort of commitment to anyone or anybody, but did end up promising half a day at Red Cross and an afternoon helping a friend’s daughter with her homework. Both of those commitments have now run their course leaving the space for new things to come into my life in 2013.
I grew used to spending lots of time in my own company, but I also made an effort to meet a number of new people, both male and female. For the first time in my life, I found out what it was like to be with like minded females; me who generally felt more comfortable being “one of the guys”. I ventured to take risks and trust people again and gained memories that will stay with me for ever. And on the rare occasions when I trusted too much, I realised that after what I had gone through in the past, whatever hurt I felt would dissipate in time. I guess this is the wisdom that comes with maturity, knowing wounds of the heart do heal with time.
Five months into the year I started this blog and it has added untold riches to my life. The whole new world that has opened up to me provides succor to my once weary soul. I can’t imagine a life without it. I know not for how long inspiration will continue to guide me, but I intend to keep writing for as long as the words keep flying off my fingertips.
I learnt to be aware of how I and others around me felt when I lost my temper and realised that once I let go of the attachment to the outcome of whatever discussion we were having, I no longer felt a need to get angry. I know anger directed at me by others still cuts me to the quick and understand I still need to work on this area of my life.
I flew halfway around the world and had a grand adventure and experienced what it was like to have the world at my fingertips. The ability to get up and go, which I thought was long lost was within my reach once again. There were lessons to be learnt too, but none too harsh that I would wish to erase the experience from my memory. Instead I have learnt to accept that what cannot be changed and embrace the experience for what it has added to my life.
I have slowly come to recognise the beauty in the person I see in the mirror each day and believe others when they tell me I am beautiful. I no longer wish to be anyone other than who I am today, even the four foot eleven and a half inches bit……….I am happy just being me.
I have figured out that I feel and see the world around me a little bit differently to most others, perhaps more of the feeling and less of the seeing. Now I know why I could not watch the movie “Titanic” till the end and why I was physically ill for two days after attending a funeral for a young person who took his own life a few months ago. I am learning this part of me has up sides and down sides like anything else in life; because it means when I open my heart to someone, I feel what they feel and struggle to figure out where they end and I begin. When I meet someone new I “feel” them before I get to know them in the conventional sense. This means connections when they exist, are instantaneous, which is not necessarily a bad thing.
Finally I have learnt to value the friends that have stuck with me through thick and thin over the past 13 years. And to recognise those friendships I hosted some of them to lunch yesterday. It was the biggest social occasion I had attempted to put together on my own in the past few years and it felt good to be in a position to finally do it. We had Chicken Curry, Potato Curry, Chilli and Garlic Prawns, Brinjal Pickle, Pineapple Salsa and Poppadums with rice. I wish you could have all been there.
I would like to leave you with this traditional wish for prosperity from which my blog derives its name and symbolised by this pot of coconut milk boiling over at my friends’ housewarming last week; “May your life be brimming with milk and honey in 2013“.