I woke up this morning mulling over something a couple of people close to me have said about my “intensity” which they said at times could be overwhelming. I know when I am truly caught up in something or someone that interests me, I can come across as intense. I like to think of it more as being passionate about things. Getting really deep into things. The problem is I don’t totally understand what my friends mean. In the past, in a work situation, a colleague was reported to have said when I get caught up in something; I am like a dog with a bone. I was surprised and a bit hurt because I was only trying to get to the bottom of an issue that had a lot of ambiguity. I just kept persisting till I understood why there were two versions of the truth.
And that I guess is one facet of my intenseness. I don’t like ambiguity. I like things to be clear and to make sense. If they don’t, I will keep digging until I am satisfied. But I don’t think that is all of it. It has also got something to do with my getting caught up in stuff and forgetting night and day or where I am. I remember another work situation long ago, where I got so passionate about a discussion regarding which kind of milk powder we were going to use in a recipe that I totally forgot the big picture and ended up in a heated argument with a close colleague.
My Kiwi friends would tell me I need to learn how to chillax or take a chill pill. They are very good at doing that and I guess this laidbackness is one of the defining characteristics of this culture. And I stand out like a sore thumb among this nicely chilled out people.
My dilemma this morning was how I was going to go about toning down my intensity so that I didn’t overwhelm one in particular of the two said friends. And then the wishful thought came into my mind about how it would be really nice if I had friends who would value this passion of mine, that I could continue to be this person without needing to keep myself in check. That is when I remembered what I had written a few months ago about “being enough”. In fact, there is actually no need to change who I am. People can either take me as I am or leave. I am chilled out enough and I certainly did not need to take a chill pill.