The last two months of my life has been very intense, both in terms of the highs and the lows. Ecstasy followed by agony. I felt like I was on board a run away train and couldn’t get off however much I wanted. The last 24 hours has been a lot more calm and tranquil in comparison. I feel like I can breathe again and life suddenly looks bright and full of promise…..
This is what life is all about, and each and every one of us goes through this many times in our time on this planet. When you are experiencing the good bits, you don’t realise it will end soon, and when that happens, you feel immense grief for what was and what might have been. You feel stuck and unable to move on. You wish you did it all differently so that things may not have ended in disaster. To me these regrets are the hardest to bear. I have tried to live my life without regrets by taking every opportunity that comes my way and trying to saying everything I need to say as I go through life. But this time round, I wished I had been less open to the experience because then maybe, just maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so much. A large part of me knows that regrets are useless as you can’t go back and change the past. You can only live in the present and affect your tomorrows. That doesn’t stop you from feeling it though……
So how do you get through these dark times and reach that place of tranquility and calm and find space in your chest again? For me it came from two things; both of which I had heard before many times, but I am only now learning to put into practice. Living in the here and now; and practicing gratitude. I started noticing things around me more instead of letting my mind wander to that place of grief and sadness and regret. And I started being thankful for what I already had in my life instead of what was missing. Just little things like how right at this moment I am wrapped up warm against the autumn cold with a coffee beside me. How the day is slowly dawning and bringing light into my day. How I have the luxury to sit in bed and write my blog this morning instead of rushing through the routine of getting my son ready for school because his dad is looking after him today. How well I slept last night; possibly only the third such night in the last two months.
The other thing that keeps me on an even keel is the knowledge that this too will pass. That is the single most important thing I have learned in this journey of self-discovery. I have been through much much worse and I am still standing, still alive. Given enough time, I will be able to look back on this time and understand that it was not meant to be. I am not there yet, but I am certain I will get there.