The Honeymoon Phase

Last Love....At the start of a relationship we all want to present ourselves in the best possible light. And sometimes in order to do this we tell little white lies. One of my favourite bloggers; Natalie Liu recenly wrote on her website Baggage Reclaim, a post titled “Why telling ‘little lies’ can end up mattering in a big way“. In it she explains that these lies are both a judgement against ourselves and and a judgement against the recipient. We judge that the real us is not worthy of being loved and that the person we are telling the lie to does not either deserve the truth or be able to handle it. And often we do it in a moment of panic and generally that lie or lies will come back and bite us in the behind at some point in time. According to Natalie, we justify these lies by consoling ourselves that we will tell them the truth when they come to know the real us…..

So I wanted to find out what happens when you both agree right from the start that you will tell tell each other “the truth and nothing but the whole truth”. This was important to me from the point of view of being my authentic self and the hard won belief that “I was enough”. I had tried this in the past and found the level of honesty required from the other person was too overwhelming an ask and couldn’t be sustained. Most people hide behind a mask and feel uncomfortably exposed without it. They could take the mask off for short periods of time, but anymore than a few weeks was a bridge too far to cross.

Someone came into my life recently. Someone with a past; which is an inevitable fact of life when you are dating in your forties. We all come with various forms of baggage and for two such people to successfully form a long lasting bond, you have to know, understand and assimilate all of the other person’s baggage. If you come across any dark scary parts in their history and decide to leave it untouched, at some point or the other it will come back to haunt you.

Right from the start we agreed that honesty and openness was important to us both and that we would deconstruct the dating process in such a way to make it work for us. I personally hate all the head games people play at the start of a relationship; the waiting x days to call or a y number of minutes before answering a text, the agony of not knowing how the other person feels and trying to guess by dissecting each of the other person’s actions in the hope that they will somehow hold the clue to their feelings. So just being able to make such a proposal and have it received positively meant that we were starting off on the right footing.

This level of extreme honesty takes a lot of courage on both our parts. Each of us has to be entirely comfortable with who we were in the past and who we are today. We each have to allow the other party to make their own judgements about what has been revealed. Nothing is perfect in its entirety and truth telling does have its dark moments. Each of these have to be worked out and we are slowly getting to know the other just that bit more. On the plus side there are also more moments of bliss and contentment and happiness than either of us has ever known before, because there is no drama. There is no tension or stress. Instead calmness and serenity reign.

We both realise and accept that we are imperfect beings. However there is hope in the realisation that maybe just maybe, we are perfect for each other and that all the dramas of our collective pasts were lessons we needed to learn to get to this point in our lives……….

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7 Comments Add yours

  1. Excellent point about having relationships and dating in your forties. I met my husband when I was 37, so I can relate to the fact everyone has baggage by that time. And, because you understand this, it opens you up to exploring things differently- and I dare so, more honestly. I like what you write that you must have the courage to let the other person have their own judgments about what is revealed. I struggle with this at times.

    1. Thank you Kimberly. My main struggle is with my own insecurities that are brought to the surface by what is revealed. But I am working on it. Letting the other person form their own judgements is a all or nothing thing. You have to give them the unvarnished truth and then step back without any attachment to the outcome…..As soon as we feel like we want to control the outcome then out -comes the filters….

  2. iamyourme says:

    If you both have healing and clarity and most importantly, acceptance regarding all decisions/experiences prior to and including this present moment, then the energy of judgment won’t be included in the foundation of your relationship. I am currently in the process of dating and have yet to experience someone who is as transparent as I am. The willingness to strip yourself bare is a very challenging thought for some. The anticipation of the discovery of the unknown about self is very dibilitating. Fear can cement you or fear can motivate you. Your choice. I shall continue to stand here until my mate completes his process and meets me on the mountain top 🙂 It is worth the wait to experience total freedom within a relationship. It makes for a pure and very stimulating experience.

    1. Thank you. I am glad you have decided to wait for someone who can be as transparent as you are. The important discovery for me in this instance was that I was the first person he has gifted this much honesty to. So their past behaviour regarding total honesty and openness is not necessarily an indicator of how they are going to be with you. It is something that is unique to the two of you and the bond you share. I wish you luck and the courage to wait…..

      1. iamyourme says:

        Thank you and well stated! Yes, I will continue to wait. I do feel like the Mrs. Robinson of this experience because I’ve been on my Spiritual journey for some time and have done ALOT of work purging myself to be free and open. I have been the ‘first’ for a lot of these guys who were virgins in this respect before meeting me. *Sigh* I continue to embrace and be delighted in my purpose as I wait for it to be my turn. I read my romance novels for hope and inspiration to help keep the romance of it all alive within. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do (as least as much as she can with two little crumb snatchers running around)

  3. Madhawa says:

    Happy to hear of your present status … go there with strength and confidence …

    1. Thanks Madhawa. I don’t think the learnings from the past few months have gone to waste…….We have approached the whole thing differently and it seems to be working for us….

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