Finding Yourself

This blog has documented my journey of self realisation for the last 17 months or so. It didn’t start out as a conscious effort to find myself, rather it was an accidental discovery in the attempt to understand life itself. Has it been successful you might ask? Yes, it has. I understand myself a whole lot better than I did 17 months ago. I know why I do the things I do and why I feel the way I do. But when it comes to interpersonal relationships, understanding yourself is only part of the equation. In order to establish harmonious relationships, you need to understand the other person at least as half as well as you understand yourself. And that is a whole lot harder than understanding yourself.

As I had mentioned in previous posts, I feel my way through life as opposed to understanding things intellectually. That is to say, I rely on my intuition more than I rely on my thoughts. I only need to spend a few minutes in someone’s company to know if I like the feel of them or not. And if you were to ask me why I feel positively or negatively about someone I just met, I would find it hard to explain. I just know things. In close personal relationships I often get a sense of whether things are right or wrong. And when they right I am quite happy to “be” in that space. However when I sense things are a bit “off”, I can’t settle till I talk things through with either the person concerned or a close confidant. And often I can’t fully explain why I feel the way I do, because the “knowing” happens at a sub-verbal level. And I don’t rest until all the pieces of the puzzle fit together, often repeatedly going back to the other person seeking clarity. From the point of view of those close to me, this is very annoying. I won’t let something rest until I make sense of it. And often it is something they haven’t even acknowledged to themselves. The last thing they need is me bugging them repeatedly about it.

I know this is one of my weaknesses when it comes to interpersonal relationships. It is a very intense way of being and most people are not prepared to let another person into their lives to such an intimate degree. Nothing seems private or sacred. And sometimes you could argue it is really none of my business. So, why I do I do it? I do it because of the disconnect I sense between the words and behaviours consciously expressed by the other person and the sense of their subconscious I get through my “knowing”. It feels like physical agony when I detect this disconnect. Like all is not right with my world. And the only way to overcome this pain is to talk to the other person till they acknowledge what you are sensing rather than what they had been saying all along. In my experience, most people still evade the truth as much they possibly can. And the half answers they give leave more unanswered questions than coherence. But sometimes you find a place of mutual trust and acceptance and the truth comes out. Truth that is often not good news which was why it was hidden in the first place. But when someone is brave to hold your hand and look you in the eye and say something that finally sheds light on the underlying mystery, it is like you connect with another human being directly; heart to heart. The ultimate human connection…….Allowing you to understand another person at least half as well as you understand yourself……


2 Comments Add yours

  1. I can so, so relate to this. One of my major, major struggles as a stepmom is the lies (or disconnect) between what is said in a blended family and what is actually happening. Thanks for inspiring me today. I needed to hear this.

    1. I am glad. I never understood why other people didn’t see the truth as black or white as I did. Most seem ok with living in the grey. We must be the minority….Good luck!

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