Tiny Buds

The blog is now 2 years old, a fact I had forgotten until I went looking for an old post written roughly a year ago. In it I speak about how it felt like a wave of turbulence has hit my world and torn down walls, leaving big empty spaces….

The last 6 weeks have been similar. Intense highs accompanied by the most excruciating of lows. Loss of things very dear to the heart and being forced to recognize the frailties of the humans inhabiting my landscape. When the chips were down, some shone while others descended to depths previously unseen. At times it felt like the very ramparts of my being were torn down by the failings in these supports. Yet unlike then, 12 months on I find I have changed. I am much stronger and have a truer sense of who I am. I am happy enough to be in my own company and would rather go without than be around people who bring me down.

I have a greater sense of being at one with the Universe and know that whatever happens I will be looked after. My job is to accept each thing that gets thrown my way and not to rant and rave against the injustice of it all. I have true gratitude towards all that I have in my present life and strive to be kinder to those around me. I know Jacob is the most important person in my life and accept that there is no one else in this world that understands how I feel about him. And that is ok. If they can see that love and know that my heart is capable of infinite love then that will be enough.

The most important thing I learned in the past weeks is that I have to be completely self reliant. To expect to lean on anyone for any sort of support is to give them the power to hurt you. It has been a tough lesson to learn, but I have learnt it well. That is not to say that people, especially friends have not been supportive. I wouldn’t be here if it had not been for one or two of them. But that help was voluntarily given. Every other person I had reached out to chose to heap the most bitter of recriminations upon me for daring to ask…They all did what I asked them to do, but I have decided the price is too high to pay and next time it is better to do it alone. I am not bitter, just more aware that human beings are just that; human…….

I know it is still autumn, but there are tiny tendrils of spring in my world. The buds are tiny, but they are opening up and I know the will be in full bloom come next spring……

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. I wish you well. YOur strength of Spirit shines so brightly here.

    1. Thanks Kimberly, Sometimes being strong is the only option…..I now look at it as lessons to be learnt.

  2. Jean says:

    “Every other person I had reached out to chose to heap the most bitter of recriminations upon me for daring to ask…They all did what I asked them to do, but I have decided the price is too high to pay and next time it is better to do it alone.”

    Gosh, I wonder what you asked of them and who these people were. I’m sorry you are disappointed. It is possible, they were simply busy with parts of their lives and you may have read way too much in their reaction towards you? While I do agree totally that one must begin and continue in life, in self-confidence and independence, there is an acceptable time in life, to ask for help or at least someone who can empathize and listen to you. Do you have such a person in your life at this time for at least occasional listening? It’s important.

    I ask you this because I lost a sister to suicide. She has 2 wonderful adult children and loving husband. I regret I wasn’t attuned to my sister’s nearly hesitant effort to reach her siblings..

    Wishing you clarity in your relationships and self. Walk away from persistently toxic relationships.

    1. Hi Jean,
      Thank you for caring and reaching out. During my holiday in England recently, I ended up in hospital needing surgery. My son Jacob was in the Englishman’s care with all his medical needs. All three of us had just lost something very precious to us and were in a state of complete disarray. My sister traveled to England all the way from New Zealand ostensibly to help and be with me at this time of extreme need. But she ended up throwing a massive tantrum because she could not get her own way and left a day later without so much as making me a single cup of tea. That should give you an idea of the magnitude of my disappointment in people. She was not the only one, but the worst of my examples.
      But you are right. Those family relationships are toxic and I see no choice except to walk away. She is used to behaving badly and having me forgive and forget every time. I really see no point in continuing to do that knowing she was not capable of being there for me in my worst hour of need.
      Things have much improved and I have found friends who do listen without judging. Thank you again for caring. It means a lot. I am sorry that your sister had to do it alone. Suicide of a loved one is an awful burden to bear for those left behind and I hope one day you are able to forgive yourself for not seeing it happening. Take Care.

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