The blog is now 2 years old, a fact I had forgotten until I went looking for an old post written roughly a year ago. In it I speak about how it felt like a wave of turbulence has hit my world and torn down walls, leaving big empty spaces….
The last 6 weeks have been similar. Intense highs accompanied by the most excruciating of lows. Loss of things very dear to the heart and being forced to recognize the frailties of the humans inhabiting my landscape. When the chips were down, some shone while others descended to depths previously unseen. At times it felt like the very ramparts of my being were torn down by the failings in these supports. Yet unlike then, 12 months on I find I have changed. I am much stronger and have a truer sense of who I am. I am happy enough to be in my own company and would rather go without than be around people who bring me down.
I have a greater sense of being at one with the Universe and know that whatever happens I will be looked after. My job is to accept each thing that gets thrown my way and not to rant and rave against the injustice of it all. I have true gratitude towards all that I have in my present life and strive to be kinder to those around me. I know Jacob is the most important person in my life and accept that there is no one else in this world that understands how I feel about him. And that is ok. If they can see that love and know that my heart is capable of infinite love then that will be enough.
The most important thing I learned in the past weeks is that I have to be completely self reliant. To expect to lean on anyone for any sort of support is to give them the power to hurt you. It has been a tough lesson to learn, but I have learnt it well. That is not to say that people, especially friends have not been supportive. I wouldn’t be here if it had not been for one or two of them. But that help was voluntarily given. Every other person I had reached out to chose to heap the most bitter of recriminations upon me for daring to ask…They all did what I asked them to do, but I have decided the price is too high to pay and next time it is better to do it alone. I am not bitter, just more aware that human beings are just that; human…….
I know it is still autumn, but there are tiny tendrils of spring in my world. The buds are tiny, but they are opening up and I know the will be in full bloom come next spring……