Enough

Last weekend, after almost 15 months together, the Englishman and I ended our relationship. We had always had our ups and downs, but things came to a head finally. Since my birthday a month ago, we had been spending more and more time together at my house because he no longer had a cat at his place that he needed to go back to every second night. I have Jacob for half the week and this meant that suddenly there were more days I had both of them at home to look after.

All of last week I had been feeling down and tired. In fact on Monday last week, by the time the Englishman got home I was in my pajamas. That was the first time in all of our time together that I had done that. I normally make a special effort to change into something nice when I knew he was coming over. Being a stay at home mum, it gave me a chance to dress up and get out of my “working clothes”. By Wednesday I had had several episodes where I found myself unable to concentrate or give attention to what people were saying. I felt dizzy and lightheaded and felt tired all the time. Around 11am that morning I messaged the Englishman to tell him I was very unwell and would he work from home for the rest of the afternoon so I had someone in the house in case I got worse. He agreed, but then things got busy at work and he missed the train home, then missed the stop and I ended up needing to drive to the next station to pick him up, all grumpy and hungry. We were meant to drive to his place that night, but I had no energy to even attempt it. I had a good rest and we spent a reasonable evening together.

On Thursday I went to the doctor who ran a whole series of tests including ECGs and tests to see if I had had a heart attack as well as a full blood and liver screen. That night I had Jacob at home and the Englishman was planning to go out with a friend and stay overnight at his house. During dinner I got a message to say the plans had been cancelled and he was coming home on the train. Again I was in my pajamas, but mustered enough energy to bundle Jacob in the car and go pick him up from the station. He was very unhappy and bad tempered at having missed catching up his friend and the opportunity to have a few drinks. But when I pointed out none of it was my fault, he calmed down and said he would look after Jacob while I had a rest.

Friday the doctor’s office called and said the blood tests so far were all clear but to come back if I still felt unwell over the weekend. I was still very tired, but no longer dizzy or lightheaded, so wasn’t too worried. By this time the Englishman and I had spent 5 days together continuously and were meant to stay 3 more together. I had something to do at my house on Saturday that I needed his help with. He was brilliant in assisting me with that task. Given how I was feeling, there was no way I could have done all the work I needed to on my own and I made sure I told him so.

We went back to his place on Saturday night, much later than we had hoped to and he wasn’t very happy. The evening wasn’t too bad however and we went to bed happy. In the middle of the night I heard him call out his ex wife’s name. It was bad enough for any woman to hear your partner call out to a former partner in his sleep, but what was especially concerning was the sheer pain in those two words he uttered. I was very disturbed and while he did his best to apologise and point out it was only a dream, it affected how I felt for the rest of the night.

By morning, I was so depressed that I started crying and couldn’t stop. I just lay on the couch crying and couldn’t explain why. The Englishman was quite negative by nature and over the course of the week, his negativity had increased and at one point on Sunday when he asked me why I was so down, I said I had lived long enough with his misery that I was permanently infected with it. It was supposed to be a joke, but now I know it was not too far from the truth.

The first fight on Sunday was when I made a very unwise comment about his past that made him so angry he wanted to break off the relationship. We got past that and then I responded to a comment he made about my not liking him by saying what particular instances that was. I meant to convey that I liked him the rest of the time, but didn’t communicate that very well. He had had a lot to drink by this time and just lost it. That was the end of it all. After hurling a lot of abuse at me and coming out with a couple of startling revelations, he stopped and we went to bed. I had already packed my stuff and the next morning he dropped me at my place and picked up all his stuff. I refused to say goodbye to him and so he gave a half a hug, told me he loved me and left.

I called up a couple of friends, arranged with my ex to have Jacob stay with me that night and just chilled out. I felt really good and full of energy. Very relieved that it was all over. No sadness at having broken up and no regrets. It was quite strange. Yesterday afternoon I went and saw the Reiki Healer I normally go to. The last couple of sessions had been with the Englishman in tow, so he knew both of us. When I explained to him the events of the past 15 months and in particular the events of the last two weeks as I had done above, he said something to me that was like a light bulb going on in my head.

He said our interaction could be described by energy transfer. I am normally a bright and energetic individual and I replenish my energy by walking and being near nature, especially water. When I am full of energy I am very attractive, especially to someone like the Englishman who is unable to source energy directly from the environment in sufficient quantities to overcome his inherent negativity. He had gone through a Goth phase in his youth and still liked to think of himself as a Vampire. He had no idea how true that was. He was in fact an energy vampire. Completely unconscious I believe. But he only felt good when he was able to absorb his energy fix from me. So here I am all bright and cheerful, looking forward to his coming over a couple of nights of the week. He is depleted after a day at work and in the first hour or so in my company he slowly replenishes himself. Then he brightens up and is actually quite good company and very loving, especially if he doesn’t drink. We have fun watching a movie or going out somewhere and go to bed. Usually he zonks out as soon as he gets within reach of the bed. Sometimes he asks me for some Reiki to help him fall asleep. I am a Second Degree Reiki Practitioner and as soon as I put my hands on him, he falls asleep. I on the other hand struggle to sleep and by morning I am so depleted that I can hardly start my day. I often end up having a nap at some point in the day. But over the course of the day I replenish my self sufficiently to be able to give Jacob energy when I go pick him up from school.

Lately Jacob has had a few meltdowns at school and things have been generally unsettled. When I first found out that he had had a particularly bad day at school a few weeks ago, I felt like I couldn’t cope. Just wanted to sit down and cry. And I couldn’t understand why.

Now it all makes sense. When Jacob’s needs are high, I can’t replenish my energy enough to feed the Englishman and to have sufficient left over to look after Jacob.Not having understood this going on over the last 3 or 4 weeks, I had just kept getting depleted more and more. Last week, I had got to crisis point and you can see the progression in the events I have described above since Monday. I had so much life sucked out of me, there was nothing left to give. I was no use to him anymore because he could no longer get his fix from me. Of course neither of us knew this was what was really going on. I just felt like I could not go on without feeling supported or heard. There was very little left to talk about because he disengaged from anything he didn’t want to talk about however important it was for me. He had very little time for my problems or anything going on in my life. And on his part, he saw me as complaining and argumentative. Negative in fact. Mirroring who he was. And it was getting harder and harder to feel good around me for sustained periods of time. And when he didn’t feel good, he wasn’t loving anymore, which made me feel bad, which in turn made him feel worse and made him lash out…You get the picture. It was time to break the cycle and say ENOUGH!

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