I am used to spending my Monday and Wednesday evenings with the Englishman. I got through Monday by having Jacob stay at my place instead of his dad’s and yesterday when he wasn’t here, I went for my Reiki session. This evening, I decided to do something different and attend a talk on how Fermented Young Coconut Water or Keffir was used as a part of a treatment plan for Autism. It was very interesting. The theory was if you could heal your gut, you could heal your Autism. I have come home buzzing with ideas of things I could try with Jacob. The key was slowly introducing a variety of fermented foods into the diet to colonize the gut with several different kinds of good bacteria.I am going to try adding a bit of Keffir to the fresh juice mix I prepare for him.
Recently, I have had good success with getting him to try Chiropractic Treatments and taking a liquid Vitamin D supplement mixed with the juice. These things were necessary because he is again in that very dark place where he talks about wanting to die or hurt himself. School has become difficult again and he often talks about not wanting to go to school. Today he ran his scooter into a girl walking on the footpath at school and an attempt by the duty teacher to get him to apologize to the girl escalated the situation and led to a series of events and a massive meltdown. He had among other things, rammed the scooter at a teacher’s car, then tried to strangle the student who told on him and then laughed about it and thrown something at the school secretary when he was meant to hand it over. As a result he has lost scooter privileges for the rest of this week. The thing is his mood is so bad, he will just tell us he doesn’t care and stop wanting to ride the scooter. At the moment, the scooter is the only thing that gets him out of the house to play. Otherwise he would just stay at his computer watching Minecraft videos all day.
We had two good terms, but term 3 has been difficult and this is one the reasons, I have felt so depleted of energy. I have so much on my plate right now with Jacob’s issues, that I have nothing to spare. Today it was a relief to have the required head space to just attend the crisis at hand when I got the call from the school. It made not one iota of difference that the Englishman was no longer in my life. I very rarely ring him at work to have long discussions. He rings me when he is out for his lunch time walk, but given this happened after lunch, I would have had to wait till he got home. I had tried to talk to him about my need to discuss issues like this with him. He has tried really hard to be attentive and supportive, but by his own admission, he doesn’t really care. His point was there was nothing he could do, so why bother telling him…..
The important thing was, I got through the day and the crisis and Jacob went to his father’s house happy. And I haven’t shed one tear all day. I know the grieving has begun because I started thinking about all the things that I will miss. The opportunity to try out new recipes with someone who appreciates good food, someone to go with me to movies and shows and the companionship, hand holding and cuddles. Most of it is habitual behaviours and the key is to introduce new habits to replace the old ones like I did by going to the talk this evening. New people and new things. A few good friends got in touch to see how I was doing and writing it all down openingly as I can has been immensely helpful. I try not to think of how he is doing because that is totally outside of my control. He has a lot of darkness in him, but I am hoping that being in the light with me often enough with me over the past 15 months might have shown that he doesn’t always need to be in that dark space. That is all I can wish for him. The rest is up to him. He has given me a lot of happiness in the good times we shared and I only wish the best for him.