Making Sense

My last blog post about my breakup with the Englishman and my analysis of the dynamics between us demanded to be written and I sat up half the night writing it. The rest of the night was spent looking back over our time together trying to piece it into a coherent whole. Evidence that this theory of energy transfer was true. The Englishman would say I am satisficing. A term I taught him which basically mean finding evidence to support the decision you have already made:).

The key evidence that supports my theory is what happened after the two instances when I took him to my Reiki Healer back in May and July. The first time happened as a result of him breaking up with me post the England trip in April. We had traveled with Jacob, something the Englishman was very much against, but reluctantly agreed to. But before during and after the trip he made sure he reminded me on a regular basis how unhappy he was about that decision. The trip was complicated by my taking ill as soon as we arrived in England and having to spend time in hospital. In total, we spent 3 week there and for most of that time, the Englishman was unable to take Energy from me. Furthermore he had to give his own energy to Jacob who had intense needs. The situation wasn’t too bad while we were in the countryside and you could see a visible difference in him when we went out exploring. He was in high spirits and almost fun to be with. When we returned to London, the darkness took over once more and he kept blaming me for putting him in that situation and trapping him there. He said he was finished with me and threatened to leave me at the first opportunity. The decent part of him (which I still believe exists inside of him), knew this was not a good way to treat someone, but he couldn’t help it. I had to take care of Jacob and recovering from surgery I had no energy to spare for him. He couldn’t replenish any of it himself in the darkness that was London. It was intolerable.

We had a nightmare of a flight home. He was angry, drank a lot and flirted with the stewardesses, who could see the situation for what it was and instead of humouring him, came and offered me help with Jacob. He was trying to leach energy from these people but was unable to do so. We arrived back at my place just after mid-day and he left soon after saying he would come see me the next day. Most people would not think to leave a person who had gone through what I had just been through on their own, but he had to get away. He could not get anything more from me.

He called me a few times over the rest of that Saturday and Sunday and everything seemed normal, but on Sunday night when I felt lonely and rang him he got angry with me for not letting him have some “alone time”. By Monday morning he had decided he wasn’t coming to see me that evening and then finally in the early hours of Wednesday morning he had decided he had enough and broke off with me via Facebook. I was devastated. I called a friend of mine and said I needed to get away. My ex agreed to take care of Jacob for a few days and I made a call to my parents to say the Englishman had left me and I needed to go somewhere for a while. The entire experience had completed depleted me and I could no longer function. Then I went to a Women’s Sanctuary on a rugged West Coast Beach about an hour from here. I just slept for the first day or two, utterly exhausted. Meals were provided and positive company when I needed it. The roar of the surf was a balm to my soul and I slowly got better. By Friday I was able to come home briefly and pack up all the Englishman’s personal effects and pack it into my car. I called him to ask if I could drop it off at his place on Saturday morning. He offered to be away from home if that was helpful. I was no longer sad and felt like I could handle the meeting, so said I would be fine.

Early on Saturday I left the Sanctuary and drove to his place. When he didn’t respond to my knocks, I let myself into his house to find him in crisis. He was already drunk even though it was only 9am and was in bed talking to a friend back in England. He had wrapped himself up in a couple of duvets and looked dirty and disheveled. The bed was stinking because he had spilled beer on it. He wouldn’t look me in the eye and asked me to get my stuff and leave. I told him I needed him to help me unload the car. I was in fact shocked by what I had found and knew I couldn’t leave him in that state. He let me stay long enough to absorb some of my positive energy and finally looked me in the eye. I now know eye to eye contact and physical touch were two of the best ways for energy transfer. He brightened up enough let me sit beside him and cuddle up. After getting him out of the house to walk to the beach near his house, he was almost back to his best self. I said to him I would like to be in his life and provide support and he said he would like that. I left mid afternoon and spoke on the phone a few times that evening.

The next day, which was Mother’s Day here in New Zealand, my parents came to visit. As it always happens, dad could only be pleasant for a short while and reverted back to his angry persona. I was very sad and came and sat in my room and emailed the Englishman saying what my dad thought of me and how he was well rid of me and my family. He called me right away and said he realised that he needed to be there for me and how he wanted us to get back together. My parents left and we talked on the phone several times after that. He wanted to take things slowly and said he would come and see me later in the week. Instead of just meeting for dinner, I suggested we go see my Reiki Healer. I kid you not. The guy that went into the treatment room and the guy that came out were two completely different people. He had had a great input of energy. It is like taking a vampire to a blood bank. He was dazzling. All loveable and affectionate and totally calm. We had dinner at a Thai restaurant nearby and went back to his place. He recognised the Reiki had had an effect on him. Neither of us could explain why, but we knew that was what made it possible for us to get back together.

The other piece of evidence is his cat Manga. Manga belonged to the dad of one his friends. When the owner who lived on a boat and traveled the world couldn’t take Manga with him for the rest of the journey, the Englishman adopted him and took him back to his place in rural Northwestern Auckland. The cat was a major energy source for him. When he had time apart from me in the past and had gone home to have alone time, the cat served to replenish him and he came back refreshed and fun to be with. But in the weeks leading up to the England trip and the two weeks after we got back, the cat was temporarily housed at his friend’s house. That is why that first week back he reached crisis point. He went home to his sanctuary, but there was not enough means to replenish his energy needs. He did get some energy from growing plants and living in such a peaceful environment, away from the concrete jungle, but not enough to sustain him.

I later found out that in the course of that week, he had gone online and set up profiles on two different internet dating sites and even chatted to someone. It caused me a lot of grief because I couldn’t imagine how someone could spend almost a year with you, go through what we went through in England and then a few days afterwards go looking for someone else. He insisted it was only out loneliness and that the contact was in no way intimate. Now I understand it was his intense need to connect with another human being, to get his ” energy fix” because he was empty. It also explains why had gotten into a pattern of “buying” his energy in the months before we met. He needed human eye to eye contact and physical touch and to this day doesn’t see anything wrong in paying for it. I could never make sense of it. How could he do that? But now it is starting to make sense. He was addicted to absorbing energy from others. When he had no one in his life to provide that, he had to go looking for someone who could provide temporary relief.

The absence of the cat and my inability to provide all of his energy needs over sustained periods of time also explains why last December when he took the cat over to his friend’s and spent a few extra days in my company before a trip with a mate to Australia, he was distant and disengaged to the point of cruelty. I had to go see my gynecologist about an abnormal smear result the day he was leaving, but he seemed so uncaring. As I had given all my energy to both him and Jacob over the preceding few days as well as being concerned for myself, I was no use to him. So he took his focus off me. I felt abandoned and unloved.

On the positive side, we were almost always at our happiest when we were surrounded by nature. Some of our best photographs together were in flower gardens and parks and near the sea. Music and movies were another source of good energy. He was at his worst during work hours. Numerous are the times he had made me cry during a brief lunch date on a work day. There was not enough time to take what he needed from me, so he resented having to give me his time. When we were out in a group situation, he always plugged into me to keep tapping into my positive energy. I am an extrovert and brightened up around people whose company I enjoyed. He did this by maintaining physical contact at all times. I remember being surprised by this behaviour on countless occasions.

Even his own words are evidence that this was all true. He said on many occasions that I made him calm. I now take this to mean I fulfilled his energy needs sufficiently to take away the panicky feeling of not knowing when his next fix was coming.  During those times he was very loving and said we would always be together. I used to tell him he only acted loving towards me as long as I made him feel good. If I took exception at something he said (which was often given his lack of internal boundaries and empathy) and tried to tell him not to do it again, he felt bad about himself and lashed out. It was a cycle we went through almost every day we spent together. An example was his ridicule when I mispronounced a word. I was quite proud of my English given it is a second language for me and was always hurt when he made remarks about it. Yet to pointing that sort of thing out was described as complaining. If I delved into the detail or questioned him about something he had said previously that did not ring true I was arguing. In the end I felt like I was the person he described, even though I knew at heart I was a good person. When I spoke up for myself, I was protecting myself and my energy was not his to absorb and he hated that.

I have said previously that I feel my way through life. I sense the pure potential of who he is at the very core before he lost the ability to be self reliant from an energy point of view. I loved that person.I also loved the lost little boy inside. I know sooner or later he will go back to his old lifestyle because, now without even his cat at home to provide for his needs, he is going to run short of energy. The cat is moving to South Africa with its old owner who is retiring. Yesterday I messaged him and said he could pick up his indoor plants which he had left here while I was out of home. I am glad I did that, now that I understand what those plants represent to him.

He had always said he was no good living with someone, even though he had only done it a couple of times in his life. It is really true. No one person can sustainably provide that much energy for him to feed on. And when he spirals into negativity, he drags them down with him and it ends up being a viscous cycle. In all the time I had known him, I had this dream of buying a house together in a wooded area or near the beach. That was a driving need for me if we were meant to be together. Now I know this is because that was the only way I could have continued to supply that much energy for his needs and well as have enough for looking after Jacob and myself. But he made it abundantly clear he would never sell his house and never throw his lot in with me as he put it. After having him in my tiny 80 square meter house for 3 or 4 weeks, all I can see is having to give endlessly and not get sufficient back to sustain me. I cannot face a lifetime of this. I need to be there for Jacob and I needed to take care of myself so I can continue to be there for him. Although I didn’t make the decision to end it, I am glad it did. I wish him well with all my heart. Thank you for reading….

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. Hi my friend, this is so well written. I feel it all the way with you as I read. Let go what is not meant to be. You are a strong positive person and it appears right now, the call is to channel your energy with Jacob and enjoy time with him as he grows up. Big hugs to you both.

    1. Thank you dearest Jess. After months of not having enough words they are now spilling out of me. I feel a great sense of calm. Love to you too.

  2. Arathi Manay says:

    My thoughts are with you Sandamali. Your strength will get you through. Take care.

    1. Thanks Arathi, I have no regrets. I gave it my best shot and now realise it is better this way…

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