A short while ago, I was sitting at the dinning table waiting for my son to finish his dinner when a great wave of sadness washed over me. I had suppressed the grief for the last few days, but now it is slowly finding it’s way out. Then I realised I had a comment waiting on my blog from a fellow blogger on the other side of the world. Her beautiful words were over flowing with love and gladdened my heart. It reminded me why I was where I am today….It was not my decision to leave, but having being told to leave, I now know it was not to be.
I had not visited her blog for a while, so decided to check out her latest post. She was quoting from Ram Dass about how to judge oneself less harshly and to appreciate oneself more..He used the analogy of how we are able to look at a tree and accept it just as it is, but when it came to judging ourselves, the voice in our heads says we should be this and we should be that. What if we could look at ourselves like trees and accept who we are, just as we are….? Simple concept, but profound in its implications.
For many months, I fought against who I was and instead tried to be what I should. I demanded the same from the Englishman. I didn’t accept him for who he was, but demanded that he be who I wanted him to be. Domesticated, virtuous, living within the bounds of my moral values, understanding and kind and compassionate. I was really struggling with the relationship this time last year and went to a few therapy sessions. When I had related to her about why I was there, she said to me, you are trying to turn him into something that he isn’t even the raw material for…I know now, how true those words were.
I have strong moral boundaries I won’t cross. I will never ever have a relationship with someone already in a relationship, I am scrupulously honest about all areas of my life. I do not maintain close friendships with people of the opposite sex when I am in a relationship because I worry that it might violate the boundaries of emotional intimacy. My life is a open book and there are no hidden corners. I give wholeheartedly. If I say yes to something, then I stick by that decision. I am consistently this person. It is not based on convenience or circumstance. And I thought I could be with someone who did not live by these same values. I spent a lot of effort trying to reconcile who I could clearly see he was with who I needed him to be to have a relationship with. He tried to tell me all of this right at the beginning, but I refused to see. I thought love could conquer all…And the sad truth is, love only goes so far….especially because I didn’t know how to love unconditionally……