It has been a full week now and I have yet to shed a single tear for the person who occupied a large portion of my life for the last 15 months. It is very strange. This is unlike any other breakup I have been through. I cried bucket loads for someone I knew for a mere 3 weeks. I don’t know why….
They say we remember things based on how they ended. If you go on a holiday and have a great time but have a bad experience flying home, then you remember that holiday as a bad experience. If that was true, then we ended things badly and that might be why I can’t access any of the good memories. All I feel is a great sense of relief. Not even the momentary thought of who he might be choosing to spend his evenings with bothered me. And that is very strange. The only thought that I had in that regard was that I hoped whatever he chose to do, may he find the happiness he did not find with me. I have let him go. He is mine no longer and he is free to be with whoever he pleases. And the strangest realisation is that it does not make me feel any less knowing that he doesn’t want me anymore…my sense of self worth is not tied to his love of me or the lack thereof….
Today I went and talked to my bank. I was half expecting them to tell me it was pie in the sky. Yet surprisingly their initial reaction was quite positive. Maybe my dream of a house by the sea is not as unrealistic as I had thought…If any of you have been through a relationship breakup, you would know that life feels particularly hard during that period. Lots of other things in your life goes wrong at the same time. Cars breakdown, you lose things, feel unwell, miss appointments for example. These coincidental events make you feel like it was your general misfortune that led to the relationship breakdown…I am experiencing the complete opposite. It is like I had been fighting to hold onto something that was getting further and further away from me and when I finally let go, my life has fallen back into alignment.
Maybe this is me just blocking off unbearable pain and the reaction is simply delayed. The pain might be just around the corner. But I would like to think that this positivity is here to stay. That the tears I shed all the way through the last 15 months was a preparation for this phase in my life.