I am sitting in bed on a rainy and blustery night listening to favourite bits of music on YouTube..Jacob is at his dad’s again this weekend because it is the school holidays.
Nearly four weeks on from the breakup, I am still ok. Bits and pieces of sadness as memories surface, but no real heartbreak. And I still don’t know why..Sometimes I wonder if I am supressing all my emotions and am just going through a numb phase as a coping mechanism, but since I have never experienced it before, I really don’t know.
The last few weeks have given me the opportunity to turn inward and really try to understand myself. One thing I have come to realise is that I am a born nurturer and carer. That is my reason for being on this earth. Yes, I have more than 12 years of University education and I once had a thriving career. But those kind of just happened along the way, almost by accident. What I have always wanted ever since I was very young, was to have a family of my own and take care of them. That shows I haven’t really strayed very far from my biological programming as a woman. It has been a process of trial and error to pick a suitable candidate to play the role of “daddy” in my version of happy families.
In the most recent example, I picked someone who told me from the very beginning he wasn’t looking for a “mother” to take care of him. I pointed out while I could try and stop myself taking on that role, it was what I was really good at and that from time to time, I might forget myself and revert back to type. And revert back to type I did. I just couldn’t help myself. I cooked, cleaned, ironed, soothed, encouraged, praised, forgave, rejoiced and healed. It was never appreciated and I am ok with that. I have no regrets. But you do get to a point where there is no point allowing more of the cut logs to roll down into the river..They would simply float downstream, no use to anybody.
The thing is, I already have a family. It is made up of Jacob and our cat Bogie and very recently our spare cat Midnight:)..I call him spare cat because he has not yet been assimilated into the family. I feed him outside the back door but won’t let him sleep inside at night. These three beings give me a lot of love and joy.
Bogie because when the heat pump in the living room is not running, she will come cuddle up against me in bed to share her warmth…tonight she is cuddled up on the blanket on the sofa positioned just the right distance away from the heat source…
And Midnight because he has learnt to sit patiently and wait every morning for me to come out and feed him…
I am blessed and no love is not a sad song..It is a joyous melody….