I remember learning about the concept of probability a long time ago at school. The example used was a bag of 8 marbles, 4 different colours, 2 each. Red, blue, green and yellow. The probability of putting your hand in the bag with your eyes closed and drawing out a red marble was 1/4th or 25%. If then you put that red marble on the table and put your hand in again, the probability of drawing out a red marble decreased to 1/7th or 14.29%..By taking the first red marble out of the bag and keeping it out meant your options were reduced. If on the other hand, you put that marble back in the bag and mixed the marbles up and then put your hand in to draw out another one, the probability of finding a red marble went back up to 25%. Sometimes life is like that.
In my case, the probability of certain things that were part of my life a few years ago have now dropped to 0. An example is having another child at the ripe old age of 44…Or ever working as a Food Technologist in the Dairy Industry…In theory, other things like having a long term relationship, living together with a partner on a property we both own, even getting married again should still be probable, although the probability might have reduced slightly due to the excess emotional and physical baggage we carry as 40 something year olds with a history of failed relationships. We do however have an advantage in the wisdom we have gained in the process and the mellowing out of some of our more prickly characteristics.
This morning I was talking to friend about the difficulties associated with having a long term live-in relationship and said I was resigned to accept that as a fact of life in my situation. She replied asking why I was admitting defeat when I should be looking for a life where anything is possible. I think she has a point. If you go into a new venture where some of the marbles have already been removed from the bag, you are already accepting fewer options than you should have. In a relationship situation this might mean that you accept that certain things are not possible if you get together. And there might be very good reasons. In my case, I have Jacob and his schooling and custody arrangements and a fixed location in the short to medium term. Whoever I get together with, will have similar restrictions and also a work location to consider. But if you start out a relationship already agreeing to leave quite a few of the marbles that are important to you, then you sign up to live a life of reduced options. The question is why. Is it for practical reasons or is it because we think that is all we deserve. I am a very practical person and the practical reasons for such and agreement makes a lot of sense. But part of me can’t help but think that if I did begin a relationship with so many compromises, then I will always feel I wasn’t good enough for the whole deal.
In an ideal world, my ideal relationship would be one where there were infinite possibilities and nothing was ruled out….I deserve nothing less and so does the other person in the equation…