Disconnection

All morning, I have had this overwhelming urge to go deep within myself. I feel an immense sense of disconnection with people and the world around me. Like some crack has opened up in my psyche and I need to curl up into a ball and keep safe, while I figure out what happened. The answer I am looking for is hovering just outside the reach of my consciousness I feel.

I know what led me here. Yesterday I reached a profound understanding of myself. An insight that has tilted my world upside down. All my life I had believed when I feel something it is real and true. And when there are other people involved, they feel what I feel. Every single encounter I have had in my life with another human being has been based on this belief. Discussions I have had with a friend over the last few days, therapy and the work my therapist has asked me to do at home and other things I have been reading suddenly illuminated the fact that my sense of connection with the outside world was an illusion, a figment of my imagination and not real.

Since all my actions are predicated by how connected I feel in a particular situation, I feel like I have lost my bearings. I feel like I need to back to the beginning and put things into perspective. Yet where is the beginning? Do I take one relationship at a time and reevaluate it on the basis of this new understanding, or do I go back to my childhood and begin there? I feel lost and confused.

Yet there is no space or time to indulge in my feelings, at least not today. Jacob wants to go see a movie and it has to be today, tomorrow simply would not do:)….

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