Since about 3 pm yesterday,I have been trying to do this. One of my medical specialists called with what could be some bad news. It’s one of those itsy bitsy pieces of a diagnostic puzzle that may suggest something is wrong, but they won’t know until they test further. I only told one person about it so far and she was basically a stranger I had talked with once before. I haven’t felt like talking to anyone else about it. At least not until I know more which won’t be until the first week of December.
There was someone I had confided in previously when I was having the test; someone I considered a friend at that point, who when I mentioned how life sucked when no one knew or cared when you go through something like this on your own, said it wasn’t his job to save me:(…I talked with this “friend” again this morning, but no longer felt he had any privileges to what was going on in my life for me to share the news.
I am scared and don’t know what will happen. I don’t have a plan. It could all turn out fine. But I won’t know for a few weeks. I hate being in limbo. All I can do is breathe, trust and let go..
This is my greatest fear, the fear of being alone; having to go through another major health crisis without anyone to support me. People who have been in my life for the last 3 to 4 years have not “been there” for me in the greatest moments of need.
I am sitting here with tears pouring down my face, feeling so very sad…