Breathe, Trust and Let Go…

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Since about 3 pm yesterday,I have been trying to do this. One of my medical specialists called with what could be some bad news. It’s one of those itsy bitsy pieces of a diagnostic puzzle that may suggest something is wrong, but they won’t know until they test further. I only told one person about it so far and she was basically a stranger I had talked with once before. I haven’t felt like talking to anyone else about it. At least not until I know more which won’t be until the first week of December.

There was someone I had confided in previously when I was having the test; someone I considered a friend at that point, who when I mentioned how life sucked when no one knew or cared when you go through something like this on your own, said it wasn’t his job to save me:(…I talked with this “friend” again this morning, but no longer felt he had any privileges to what was going on in my life for me to share the news.

I am scared and don’t know what will happen. I don’t have a plan. It could all turn out fine. But I won’t know for a few weeks. I hate being in limbo. All I can do is breathe, trust and let go..

This is my greatest fear, the fear of being alone; having to go through another major health crisis without anyone to support me. People who have been in my life for the last 3 to 4 years have not “been there” for me in the greatest moments of need.

I am sitting here with tears pouring down my face, feeling so very sad…

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. I always find the time of uncertainty to be the most difficult. Please be gentle with yourself.

    1. Thanks Kim, I feel much better for owning up to those feelings. Tried keeping them locked up for the first 24 hours and it didn’t work. Uncertainty has always been a difficult time for me and I am learning to be patient…

  2. Jean says:

    wishing the best for you. Was this impending test..something that you expected for a long time or ??

    1. Thanks Jean. I expected the one I just had, but was rather hoping it would be negative. The impending one is a secondary test to see if the results of the first one are valid:)

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