I have been pondering the ebb and flow of life and how much things change over time. I can remember mere months ago having this gaping hole inside of me that yearned to be loved and to belong with someone, somewhere although I had no idea where. That kept me in the relationship with the Englishman although this year alone we broke up at least 3 times before the final breakup. Now three months on, I find myself unable to contemplate letting anyone into my life again; into that intimate space you reserve for special people. The phrase “I have done my dash” when comes to relationships keeps coming to mind.

This doesn’t mean I don’t feel lonely or that I don’t enjoy companionship, especially when it comes with great mental and emotional compatibility. Yet that is as far as it would go. Something inside of me seems to have contracted in such a way that my mental docking mechanism that lets me couple with another seems to have atrophied. Whether it is permanent I do not know. This is just how I feel right now.

Considering the year ahead, I wish for myself good friendships to sustain me and let me be safe in this space I am in right now. My life feels fulfilled and joyful and I wish to remain in this uncomplicated space for a bit longer…


2 Comments Add yours

  1. I think you are quite clear what you are hoping for and show a great deal of awareness. Perhaps some things are “atrophied” because they just need to be dormant right now.

    1. I think you are right..I need to honour how I am feeling without turning it into a battle…

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