Finding Myself

I used to find myself through this blog, or at least I did when I first started writing. And then I lost my way. The blog no longer felt like it reflected the authentic me, the words dried up. If I trace it back in time, I think the change coincided with my breaking up with the Englishman in September 2014. At first I think the emotions I wrote of were authentic, but then slowly it became more important to reassure myself and my readers that I was ok and I didn’t need anyone.

In the last two years I met many new people with the idea of finding a life partner. Part of me was disbelieving this was possible in this lifetime , but another tiny part of me was hopeful that there just might be that special someone out there for me. I shared bits of myself over and over again drinking hot chocolate after hot chocolate until I acquired a permanent bulge around my hips that could not be shifted by walking. True connection was really rare and even when I did come across it, we didn’t progress beyond a third date. I could not bear to be intimate with someone I didn’t feel connected to, so I thought that part of me had atrophied.

A month ago today, I met a man. It wasn’t your conventional first date. He had with him children to two mothers, and one of those ex’s in tow with her own little girl and I had my son with me. We went to watch a Snow White Pantomime. I remember the first sight of him coming down the steps of the auditorium, shading his eyes against the glare looking for us. The hug he gave me confirmed there was indeed chemistry. At our second date, which he calls our first real date, we realised it was pretty incredible chemistry.

He is the closest thing to a Twin Flame I have met. My other half that I was separated from many lifetimes ago. So like me in many ways that there was no doubt about the Twin part. Yet the many lifetimes we had been apart meant we had taken different paths and were polar opposites in other ways. When I was fully connect to him, I see this aura or glow about him. His touch feels warm and caring. I have touched plenty of people casually to know when flesh feels like flesh without evoking any kind of feeling.

We decided yesterday, that despite this incredible connection we shared, we could not see a way of making things work. It is incredibly sad. Maybe it is not our time to be together.

We spent a wonderful four weeks together and part on good terms. I have learned a lot about myself and I hope he in turn benefited from his own insights.

I learned that we connect through slightly different channels. He connects in a space of vulnerability. My being vulnerable to him by being open and yielding in turn opens him up. I connect through being needed. I know I provide something to him that he needs and that opens me up. They are very compatible mechanisms for on-going connection. Yet it is those very same mechanisms that have served to separate us.

He has many women friends who he has platonic but affectionate relationships with. He is part French and finds himself more comfortable in the company of women than the rugby mad, beer drinking typical Kiwi blokes. He has created a wide social circle, mostly made up of women in the last few years and is very active in it. We both have children and only have a handful of days every fortnight when we are both free to spend time with each other. In the past, girlfriends have found it difficult to share him with his bevy of female friends. I too feel that this is a big obstacle, especially given how limited our time together is going to be.

During a deeply connected moment, I shared  with him how lonely I had been in the last two years and how much I dreaded my weekends. I felt this loneliness could only be assuaged by connecting with someone at a spiritual level. I stopped short of admitting to him that he was that special somone I needed in my life. That to me was a shameful admission to make because it would be a departure from the strong woman image I had worked so hard to create over the last few years.

He is afraid that if I see him as my means of filling up my weekends, then his social circle would shrink and he would be back where he was when he decided to leave his marriage; feeling trapped and unhappy. He wants to maintain flexibility in his schedule to do most of the social activities he used to do. I want him to ring fence part of the weekend for ourselves so I had some way of spending time with him without ever admitting I needed him.

When I get into that defensive frame of mind, I am not showing up as vulnerable. I am scared of getting hurt, so I try to appear like I don’t care. And as he connects through vulnerability, we disconnect in those moments and he simple sees me as domineering and not yielding.

When he jumps to the defense of his female friends and the time he wants to spend with them, that makes me feel unneeded, superfluous to needs. It drives me into a place of fear and not love. I disconnect. When he tells me he doesn’t think a partner would fulfill all his needs, especially the social ones, I agree at an intellectual level. But it is like a knife in the heart.

I know we would both be ok if only we could breath, trust and let go..But we are both too scared to do that. And that is one of the saddest truths I keep coming back to in this story.



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